By Francesco Alberoni
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Extra resources for Falling in Love
So we say our ‘no’—we claim that what we experienced was only an illusion—but then our mind becomes clear as a mirror, and we can see how on the one hand there is this intrinsic source of goodness, while on the other there is only the nothingness of everyday life. At this point we make the conscious discovery that we are incapable of choosing what is FALLING IN LOVE AND LOVING 52 meaningless and unimportant to us; we discover that we will necessarily opt for such inherently precious goodness. By comparison, our empirical life of every day seems devoid of meaning and value.
Indeed, even if the relationship has deteriorated to the point of total bitterness and hatred, the effect of one partner’s falling in love is to provoke in the other who is being abandoned a tremendous welling up of desire, almost as if the latter were falling in love in turn, except that it’s with this spouse who no longer needs him or her and is beyond feeling hurt or pain. Everything connected with this person, moreover, which had become so mundane and boring in FALLING IN LOVE AND LOVING 43 everyday life takes on vital importance again.
What has no value and does not count cannot be hated. Strange as it may seem, this experience often makes for anxiety and worry in lovers. Let’s say that the woman I love begins to talk about her past to me or in front of me. She describes her old loves, or the man she is still married to or lives with. At first she talks about him in a burst of anger and resentment, then gradually all that changes to a sort of, well, tenderness. “He’s been awful to me,” she says, “But he loves me and I care about him.